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Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

by Amy Sedaris
Illustration by Charles Burns

Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Amy Sedaris
16 Snaps

Dear Amy,

I work at a nursing home and have encountered a stinky nuisance. Is there a name for the certain substance that accumulates be-tween folds of skin, as you might find on a morbidly obese person? Is it simply called “Fold Cheese”?

Rebeka Miller
Flushing, Mich.

Dear Rebeka,

Absolutely it’s called “Fold Cheese,” and thanks for asking. The interesting thing about “Fold Cheese” is how conservative people get when serving it. Don’t be content plopping it on a cracker, or layering it on top of a burger. That barely scratches the surface. What about fondue? Remember, when harvesting “Fold Cheese,” the deeper you get, the more robust! Don’t be afraid to really get in there.

Amy

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Dear Amy,

How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street that smell horrible, but, you know, they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?

Courtney Ivo
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Courtney,

Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised by how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue?

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

I’ve recently developed a scorching case of herpes on my left foot and ankle. I woke up one morning with a burning, tingling sensation and since then my wounds have itched and blistered before scabbing over and leaving nasty scars. Do you have any tips for helping me clear up my foot herpes?

Michelle McGlynn
Toronto, Canada

Dear Michelle,

Just woke up one morning and it was there? Honestly, Michelle, do you expect any of us to believe that? Genital stomping is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure more respectable people than you have had their unprotected hoofs knee-deep in a stranger’s naughty region, so grow up and stop hiding behind this wall of shame you’ve erected. That’s number one. Number two, I would suggest that until they come up with a cure for herpes, you keep that swirling cesspool you call a foot under wraps. No sandals for you.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

What is the correct way to wipe your anus after you’ve finished taking a poo? From the front or from the behind?

Tatum Lee Shaw
Portland, Ore.

Dear Tatum,

I pray to whatever God will listen that you are a four-year-old and your mommy helped you send this childlike query. But I suspect, horrifyingly so, that you are an adult. My lord, are you really that confused about how to wipe your ass? What must the rest of your life be like? All the endless and wondrous complexities we humans encounter daily, and you haven’t even progressed past potty training? Wipe from behind, Tatum. And away from the goods, always away from the goods. Now that you have that information under your belt, you can spend your valuable time pondering what jelly is.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

I’ve found love in my life! However, my ladyfriend does not care for my bountiful waves of back hair. I’ve tried braiding it, dreadlocking it, shaving her name into it, but she still thinks that it’s “too much like a silverback gorilla.” Is there any other inventive manner of grooming that might impress my significant other’s significantly divergent tastes?

Justin Zaremba
Bordentown, N. J.

Dear Justin,

Unfortunately, unless your significant other can find a way to become inexplicably attracted to a hideously hirsute neanderfreak of nature, you are shit out of luck. Sorry. I just dish out advice, I can’t perform miracles.

Amy

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