Sedaratives: Zach Galifianakis - Believer Magazine
×
header-image

Sedaratives: Zach Galifianakis

by Zach Galifianakis
Illustration by Charles Burns

Sedaratives: Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis
17 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,
Two years ago, I was married impetuously, against the wishes of my parents. Now everyone’s content; that is, everyone but me. Lately I’ve noticed that my life is extremely dull. My friends no longer want to hang out since I’ve stopped drinking all the time. I’m boring! What can I do to quash this, and is this a normal rite of passage?

 Jenny Skytta
Seattle,Wash.

Dear Jenny,
After long thought and looking up the word “impetuously,” I have come to my answer. Dorothy Parker once said,“The cure for boredom is curiosity.There is no cure for curiosity.” I think it is time to be curious about drinking again.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,
A friend recently gave me a twice-used Weber grill for my birthday. The instructions are fairly clear that it is only to be used outdoors. I never leave the house, however, because my neighbors are all government spies. Is there a way that I can enjoy the delicious taste of charcoal-grilled meat within the confines of my sanctum?

Brooke James Saucier
Evanston, Ill.

Dear Brooke,

So the government is hassling you, huh? Not surprising. I get followed all the time because I wrote a memo to my assistant saying that I used to date Dakota Fanning, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives thinks it’s their business. Anyway, as for your question, grilling inside is dangerous but rewarding. I usually grill in the bathroom, since it’s the only room with a built-in fan. Sitting on the toilet while checking the progress of your wiener is a Fourth of July tradition in the Galifianakis home.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Why do stalkers usually chase people into abandoned amusement parks?

Craig Baird
Memphis,Tenn.

Dear Craig,

I think they’re just following federal law. “Those wishing to stalk or harass a fellow citizen by trailing them must eventually end up in an abandoned amusement park, a burnt-out Taco Bell,or a docked retired naval battleship”(Sec.18 U.S.C.875 c). Some states require stalkers to have a limp. In New Hampshire, you can’t stalk anyone unless your name is Marcus. Good luck.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I just got out of rehab and I’m wondering how to get back into the swing of normal life. Do you have any wisdom to share regarding how one can feel at ease in society without the use of narcotics?

Lorelei Leslie
Santa Monica, Calif.

Dear Lorelei,

The transition from rehab to the normal world is a tough one. I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade ecstasy— made from Tide with bleach and some old Altoids. Sommersaults in the park while singing any Spin Doctors’ song is also useful.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I have a job that leaves me passionless and empty. It stimulates neither mind nor soul. How can I successfully draw on my creative juices to do something meaningful?

Best,
Charles
Address withheld

Dear Charles,

Are you an accountant at a cardboard box factory? Boredom is a killer.There are so many things you can do to kick-start a satisfying life. I will give you a few suggestions to get the juices flowing: Start reading Teen People.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I am in the unfortunate position of having a receding hairline, but only on the right side of my head, giving me a half widow’s peak. My wife says it makes me look unique but I have become quite anxious about it. Should I shave the other side to match? Shave it all off? Wear a selection of hats?

Tim Matthews
London, England

Dear Tim,

I would definitely go with the hat. May I suggest a ski mask? Or a fez? Or both.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about two months. The relationship is still new, but I think we’re going to be together for a while. Some days she has a mustache, though. It’s light and wispy and makes me want to die. Is there any subtle, safe way to alert her to her own facial hair and make her get rid of the mustache?

Eddie Turner
Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Eddie, 

I know what you’re feeling. I date a Jewish girl with a Hitler mustache and I’ve never said anything to her. I even bought a biography of Frida Kahlo and pretended to read it while my girlfriend looked on. I just shook my head and muttered,“Can you believe this woman?” It went right over my girlfriend’s mustached head. Now, I’m not normally one to recommend roofies, but sometimes they can help. Do I need to say anything else?

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I live in a medium-to-small one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment and have the unfortunate habit of fleamarket-find collecting. I am especially drawn to vintage celebrity dolls and action figures as well as ’60s barware. While my apartment is not yet to the point of being overstuffed, it is threatening to happen any minute. Do you have any suggestions for displaying my finds comfortably in my limited space?

Darwin Bell
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Darwin,

I too live in a small place that at least has high ceilings—or they may be low floors, it’s hard to say. My place is overflowing with Malcolm-Jamal Warner memorabilia, so I know what you’re going through. If you’re living with someone, maybe you could kick them out to make room for your stuff.After I moved my grandparents into mini-storage, I was able to move around more freely.

Zach

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My high school French teacher once told our class that French people hate root beer because “it tastes of medicine.” Additionally, an Indian friend of mine claims that Indians despise most cheeses, especially ricotta cheese, “because of the texture.” I enjoy cooking international dishes for my international friends, but now I’m worried I might inadvertently make someone gag. Are there other “Food Prejudices from Around the World” I should know about?

Tiffany Lee-Youngren
San Diego, Calif.

Dear Tiffany,

During my worldly travels, I have experienced a couple of cultures with mysterious food turn-offs. For one, I know that many Hindus will not eat pizza with buffalo wings as a topping. I also know of a town in Wales where it’s illegal to eat a foot-long hot dog because of the fear that someone might say, “I would like to have a foot-long inside me right now.”

Zach

More Reads
Essays

Notes in the Margin (Part IV)

Peter Orner
Columns

Ask Jeannie: Advice from Jean Grae for April/May 2020

Jean Grae
Columns

Ask Jeannie: Advice from Jean Grae for February/March 2020

Jean Grae
more