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Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

by Amy Sedaris
Illustration by Charles Burns

Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Amy Sedaris
18 Snaps

THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: COOKING

Dear Amy,

Someone told me once that pasta is done when you can throw it at a wall and it sticks. Considering how thrilling and dangerous this cooking feat is, would you know of any other things that should be thrown at walls?

Jeffrey Robertson Alford
South Hadley, Mass.

Dear Jeffrey,

Try chicken skin on stucco, battered shrimp on the windshield of a moving car, a hot hush puppy on a bald head, or an angry live cat on the back of a sleeping guest. Oh, and you can also try sticking a pin through the rubber end of a dart gun and firing it at a stranger’s back.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

My Mexican-American girlfriend cooks tortillas right on the stove. She uses no buffer—no pan, no skillet—nothing between the tortilla and flame. The taste is far superior to the mushy microwave alternative. I just worry about her safety. Is this an acceptable cooking practice?

Rick Stoeckel
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Rick,

Wasn’t this exact question already answered almost two hundred years ago at the battle of the Alamo? Check your history books, Rick! My God, how many Texans have to die just so you can reach a simple culinary understanding with your Mexican-American girlfriend? Mexican-American? Is that right, Rick? Perhaps I’ll have the border guard look into it. Adios, Rick.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

They say that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. More specifically, what do you think is the best meal to serve my man to make sure he’ll never, ever leave me?

Dani Kando-Kaiser
Sacramento,Calif.

Dear Dani,

First of all, I’m a bit of an amateur coroner. Let’s just say I like to poke around.The fastest way to man’s heart is definitely through the chest cavity. Yeah, it’s a bit of a bother sawing through all that bone, but trust me, it’s a straight shot. To answer your question about serving a dish that will keep your man happy, I suggest a honey-baked West Vagina ham, or Turkey Cordon Blow-Him. Or how about Chicken Snatchatori?

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

I’m a smart person. I get the gist of thermodynamics. But how is it that a pile of scrambled eggs gets cold in two seconds and a cup of French onion soup remains scalding hot for an hour?

Thanks,
Justin Jorgensen
Burbank, Calif.

Dear Justin,

It’s simple. If the conversion of energy in a pile of scrambled eggs, which we will now refer to as internal energy (U), is total kinetic, and the potential field of transference is an isolated system in which the measurable quantity of heat flows from one form to another, and the molecules in a cup of French onion soup begin to entropy upon conversion, enticing equilibrium in relation to temperature,causing a steady-flow system, well, the end result is obvious, isn’t it? I’m sure you can work it out from here.Thermal expansion changes phase achieving constant adiabatic volume in keeping with the Boltzmann Distribution Principle. Duh. Amy

 

Dear Amy,

All I ever hear about is how everyone should eat multiple 85 Illustration by Charles Burns servings of leafy greens per day. But there are never any suggestions on how to eat these other than in a salad.Can you recommend a unique way to prepare leafy greens?

Brian DeLoach
Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Brian,

Ah, cruciferous vegetables. High in beta-carotene, low in fat. Good for you, Brian. How ’bout slapped on top of a cheeseburger, smothered with a fistful of grilled onions, sandwiched between a couple of toasted buns? Or as a garnish on a plate next to a rare steak slathered in a creamy mushroom gravy and a mound of fries? You can always try tossing a couple of spinach leaves on a large sausage pizza.To your health, Brian.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

Recently, my partner and I decided to become vegetarians. As a general rule we have decided not to eat anything that once had eyes, including fish, animals, and birds. My question is about scallops. Since they seem to have no eyes or central nervous systems, I am wondering if they feel pain when caught and prepared for human consumption. Is it ethical to consume mollusks on a vegetarian diet?

Gary Brewer
Mesa, Ariz.

Dear Gary,

No eyes, Gary? No nervous system? Well, I bet that’s news to this sturdy little bivalve shellfish. I don’t know what type of sick fantasy world you and your partner are attempting to construct, but I’m guessing it’s a calculated effort to purposely remain naïve in order that you two can continue to indulge in the demented barbarism you so casually refer to as “consume.” I think you’re the one who lives in a shell, Gary.

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

I love poached eggs. The problem is that I have never been able to get them just right. They are either too runny or hard as a rock, or they just separate into ghost-like protein mounds. Should I give in and just buy a poacher, or is there a timer or some sort of implement I could purchase to aid in my quest for the perfect poached egg?

Cheryl Steele
Toronto, Canada

Dear Cheryl,

What the fuck fuck are you talking about? Just poach the motherfucker! Jesus, you people are wasting my time!

Amy

 

Dear Amy,

Growing up in Louisiana, I learned how to make excellent Cajun dishes, such as étouffée, jambalaya, and gumbo. My girlfriend comes from Wisconsin and prefers Midwestern cuisine (i.e., buttered noodles, sauerkraut, and cheese).We often fight about what to cook. Can you recommend any Cajun-Midwestern fusion recipes that might save our relationship?

Beau Brouillette
Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Beau,

Wasn’t this exact question already answered almost two hundred years ago at the battle of New Orleans? My God, what is wrong with you, Beau? Do you know a guy named Rick? How many times does Andrew Jackson have to be shot just so you and your “big-boned” girlfriend can save your relationship? Au revoir, Beau. Amy

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