Sedaratives: Todd Hanson - Believer Magazine
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Sedaratives: Todd Hanson

by Todd Hanson
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Todd Hanson

Todd Hanson
20 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives:

I don’t care about politics. I really just care about everyone shutting the hell up. Does that make me a douche?

Hallie
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Hallie:

Considering that a healthy democracy depends on an informed and involved populace, yes, technically, that does make you a douche. But god bless you for being an honest douche!

Considering all the not-shutting-the-hell-up involved in the last presidential election—which began more than two and a half years before the election itself, and of which only approximately 2 percent was remotely relevant to said election itself (the parts that happened in the last two weeks or so before November 4)—I think the sentiment of wanting everybody to shut the hell up is something anybody, including me, can relate to in a big way.

So let me doff my hat to you, Hallie! You are the only one with the courage to say what we all are feeling!

But again, yes, technically, you are a douche.

Todd

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I always thought I was emo, but according to my friends, I’m more goth. Why could this be? Is it the mascara? Aren’t emo kids allowed to wear makeup occasionally?

Brad
Evanston, Ill.

Dear Brad:

I’m really glad you asked that question, because I myself have been struggling with the distinction between emo and goth for years now. From what I can tell in my old age, the emotions expressed are essentially the same, except goth sounds delicate and fey, like the farts of winged fairies, and emo is raw and loud, like two trucks fucking. Both seem to involve a mascara option, so I can’t help you there. But let me ask you this: do you have forearm tattoos? That could put you over the fence into emo right there. And if, conversely, you have a parasol made of black lace that you carry on sunny days, you’re probably goth. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help there, Brad. In either case, you should seriously consider dropping the name “Brad.”

Todd

 

Dear Sedaratives:

Hooking up with your first cousin is obviously a bad idea. But what about your second cousin? That’s allowed, right?

J.J.
Carson City, Nev.

Dear J.J.:

I’m gonna have to go with the Bible on this one. Considering that all humans descended from one original Adam-and-Eve pairing, it would appear that all forms of incest are perfectly acceptable. Hook up with your cousins all you want!

Todd

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m badly out of shape and my doctor has insisted that I start working out regularly at the local gym. However, I’m terrified of being naked around other men. What should I do, aside from just not showering?

Flabby and Shy in Michigan

Dear Flabby and Shy in Michigan:

Your doctor’s advice sounds suspicious to me. Is he, by any chance, a member of the same local gym himself? And has he ever given you any reason to believe that he is into watching fat guys get naked? If so, your homophobia may be entirely justified. I suggest you get around this thorny dilemma by going ahead and showering in public, but keeping your genitals safely concealed underneath, say, a leather thong, preserving your modesty while soaping up your huge, tubby gut. That solves everything! Good luck!

Todd 

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