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Sedaratives: Thomas Lennon

by Thomas Lennon
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Thomas Lennon

Thomas Lennon
8 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

My wife asked me not to curse around our kids, but I think it’s healthy for them to become well versed in swearwords. Isn’t the freedom to call somebody a “cocksucking motherfucker” a constitutional right, even for an eight-year-old boy? Maybe what he needs isn’t less cursing, but more creative cursing?

Jim B.
Burlingame, Calif.

Dear Jim,

Your son is either going to learn about cocksucking at home or behind Arby’s. If your wife continues to violate your constitutional rights, sue her. I do, however, agree that more creative cursing could broaden the boy’s horizons. Try new curses like fuckwinch or assgratch. If the boy picks up some of these words, he could become the next Faulkner, or just some crazy-ass motherfucker sucking cock behind Arby’s.

Tom

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My friend told me to skip community college because the drugs aren’t as good and therefore the education isn’t as good. Is that true? Is a university only as intellectually stimulating as its drug supply?

Eric Schmidt
Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Eric,

This is entirely true. You should seriously consider a college in Amsterdam, where the magic mushrooms can be purchased both legally and in either the dried or fresh variety. The classes will be in Dutch, but it won’t matter, because you’ll be tripping your balls off.

Tom

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I got my ears pierced in high school. I got my first nose piercing in college. After graduation, I got my tongue pierced. A few weeks ago, I got my nipples pierced. Given the geographical direction of my piercings, is it only a matter of time before there’s a steel stud in my testicles?

“Holes” Thomsen
St. Louis, Mo.

Dear “Holes,”

Bravo, sir! Yes, a steel post through the fleshy sack of your manhood looms on the horizon. But take note: your body should reflect the ideal feng shui bagua. That means: metal left earring for creativity/children, wooden right earring for family/foundation, something shoved through your nose that’s on fire for fame/reputation, and a jug of water hanging from your ball post for career/life path.

Tom

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Will you settle a bet between my friend and me? He says that PoMo is shorthand for postmodern. I think it’s a deli sandwich that’s sometimes served with capicolla and provolone cheese. Who’s right?

Sam Hittleman
Traverse City, Mich.

Dear Sam,

You’re both wrong. PoMo is either Brazilian surfer slang for a “Portuguese man o’ war” or D.C. slang for a “poor mosh pit.” For example: “That’s a PoMo, especially for a Fugazi show.” A capicola/provolone sandwich is called a Coppola.

Tom

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I want to get lipo and have the fat sucked out of my fat fucking thighs. But my boyfriend says I should save the money and use it to buy more books. Isn’t he just pulling my fat leg? What is more attractive—a well-read fattie or a stick figure who can’t spell her own name?

Confused (and fat)
Kansas City, Kans.

Dear Confused (and fat),

Bless you for thinking that men might like a well-read woman. We’re actually attracted to both stick figures and massive hoggies, but none of us particularly care about your reading habits, unless you’re reading books about how to give better blow jobs.

My advice is: Skip the books and the lipo and invest in a good pair of Spanx pantyhose. It’ll create the illusion of toned, muscular thighs.

Cheers,

Tom

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