Sedaratives: Steven Yeun - Believer Magazine
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Sedaratives: Steven Yeun

by Steven Yeun
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Steven Yeun

Steven Yeun
16 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,
When did sweet-potato fries become all the rage? Are they really better than normal french fries?

Brian
Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear Brian,
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I wouldn’t go crazy and call anything better than anything else. Especially when it comes to fries. French fries have been around for as long as I can remember, which is roughly about twenty-eight years, or the beginning of time. I think sweet-potato fries, at the current juncture, are merely making a strong statement of their existence. They are saying, “Yo! I’m made from a different kind of potato and I’m here to stay! You can snack on me however you want; any which way!” (It’s a known fact that all sweet potatoes have the cadence, flair, and in-yo-face politeness of early-’80s rappers.) Let me elaborate: sweet-potato fries are like the Choco Tacos of fries, and regular fries are like actual tacos. You don’t want Choco Tacos all the time in place of regular tacos; it’s too much choco. If you don’t get my reference then you must not have had a childhood or you are from space.

Steven

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Trout seem to be the most untrustworthy of fish. Do you think that’s because of all of this “catch and release” bullshit in the fly-fishing industry? They’re just used to getting their way, so they can act any way they please?

Swanhuyser
Tuscaloosa, Ala.

Dear H.,

I’m not sure what an “untrustworthy trout” is, so I just Google Image–searched “untrustworthy trout.” One of the pictures that came up was of a very gorgeous Jessica Biel wearing a leopard-print scarf. This confused me. So I searched further and noticed another picture, which was of a small blond boy making out with a pig through a fence. (My safe search was off.) This leads me to believe only one thing: your question is some sort of mail prank. You are, in fact, probably referring to some sort of depraved sex act involving, in no particular order: Jessica Biel, metal fencing, a large potbellied pig, and a tiny adult. My keen sense is also justified by the other pictures in the Google search, which include but are not limited to: a mug filled with bacon, an old-timey milk jug, and an enormous pack of Old Gold cigarettes with effeminate legs coming out of the bottom. Disgusting. I refuse to answer this question. Go rinse out your filthy brain with peppermint soap.

Steven

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m having my third wedding. (I’ve been married four times before, but this is only the third wedding.) What are your thoughts on whether I can get away with wearing the same dress I wore at weddings one and two?

Tammy P.
Paramus, N.J.

Dear Tammy,

The world functions in threes. If you used the same dress in weddings one and two, then you almost have to use it in wedding three. The rule of three applies to many things in the world, e.g., economics, religion, and even computer programming. It seems that twice is not quite enough and four times is one too many. So the only way to complete this prank is to do it one more time.

However, if you really want to push the limits of this bit, what you could do is try to get married and divorced so many times that it passes the unfunny stage and starts to become funny again—I think that hits around eight or nine. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer. Please send me the YouTube link of the groom-reactions compilation when you’re done! Can’t wait! LOL!

Steven

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I adore everything about medical and coroner shows. I particularly enjoy it if the undertaker is sassy in some manner. I’m thinking of maybe looking into becoming something medical. I’m a little sassy but not sure I can handle dead bodies or touching the body goo. Is there a trick to touching body parts that might help me get over my phobia?

Teddy B.
Rochester, N.Y.

Dear Teddy,

It seems that you’re on your way! You already know some technical terms of the human body!

Don’t be too worried about having to handle body goo. That stuff is saved for later on, when you’re in residency. You might have to witness it, but actually touch it? Probably not. You’ll be too busy learning about intro-level things like: pee-pee water, soft bubble-guts, and the red stuff. Then, after the intro level, you’ll be dealing with bedside manner, which is all about sass. I heard that at the more-competitive medical schools, you can’t even take your boards unless you have, like, level-ten sass. So don’t worry about your icky feelings toward body goo; by the time you hit residency you’ll have built up at least enough sass to touch it without gagging. Good luck to you! Let me know how your medical cat tests go!

Steven

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Sometimes when I look at clouds it seems as if they’re not moving, and for a moment I wonder if the world has stopped spinning. Then someone told me that the wind, not the earth, moves the clouds. Can you clear this up for me, please?

Rebecca Simmons
Las Cruces, N.Mex.

Dear Rebecca,

Don’t you hate it when someone comes along and ruins your fun? That “someone” didn’t have to “tell” you that the wind moves the clouds. That “someone” is just being a jerk, a party-pooping jerk. Why aren’t we allowed to believe that the world spins while the clouds remain stationary? Or how come we aren’t allowed to believe that if you get a lot of mosquito bites it’s because you’re a sweet person? Or why isn’t 5’8″ a very reasonable height? I mean, right? It’s not short. It’s average, and in some places above average. Seriously, like, why isn’t being 5’8″ considered being of normal height? Why does everyone think that it’s short? Why did that guy call me short? I WILL KILL HIM!
Just to clarify, I’m 5’9″. I was just mentioning 5’8″ as an example. For a friend.
Your “someone” is right. About the clouds.

Steven

 

Dear Sedaratives,

How come the phrase “crazy like a possum” never caught on?

Anonymous
Freemont, Minn.

Dear Anonymous,

Your question leads me to believe that you don’t know what a possum is. Have you ever met a possum? It’s real chill. In fact, most of the time it’s still and lifeless. It’s actually the possum’s jam to act like it’s dead. It’s not crazy at all—or by “crazy” do you actually mean “sleepy”? It seems to me that you’re trying to make up your own colloquial phrase just for the sake of saying you created it. Do you ever wonder why phrases like “hot as a box of water!” or “lazy like a turnip!” never caught on? It’s because people aren’t “crazy like a possum.”

Steven

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