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Sedaratives: Scott Thompson

by Scott Thompson
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Scott Thompson

Scott Thompson
8 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

The grass is always greener on the other side, right? So basically no one is happy?

Bob M.
Morton, Tex.

Dear BM,

I call you “BM” because I’m turning your name into an amusing acronym, much like the esteemed sex-advice columnist Dan Savage would do. I chose these two letters because in my part of the world “BM” means “bowel movement.” Amusing, no? I’m going to write Dan Savage’s name again so that it is more likely to turn up in his Google Alerts, making him mention it in his “Dan Savage” column, thus doubling the potential publicity for my new graphic novel, Danny Husk: The Hollow Planet. Does that answer your question?

Scott

 

Dear Sedaratives,

If Devo are not men but Devo, then what exactly are men? Or Devo, for that matter?

Confused student
New York, N.Y.

Dear Confused,

I remember when I was a young, confused student and I went to a Devo concert on one of their first tours. I don’t remember anything except pogo-ing to the very lyrics you are evoking and realizing that I understood what they were singing about. Unfortunately, I was too high and don’t remember what it was.

Scott

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I just killed a moth in my home. But now I feel guilty because I’ve heard that a moth is a dead person coming to visit me. Is it OK that I killed it? Also, if it’s a relative or loved one, shouldn’t it be a butterfly?

Angela N.
Sydney, Australia

Dear Angela N.,

First of all, it’s OK to kill a moth because it’s an in-sect and it’s OK to kill all insects and most reptiles. You can still kill fish with impunity, but that’s going to end soon. It’s pretty much impossible to kill a mammal of any kind nowadays for sport, even a mouse. It’s coming to the point where you won’t even be able to kill a vicious predator in self defense. Everybody will be all, “Couldn’t you just have talked to the bear?” Second, yes, it is true that a moth is a dead person coming to visit you. What we don’t understand yet is what happens to moths when they die. Do they come back as people? And if they do, then is murder OK? Third, loved ones can be butterflies, but they have to be related to you by blood. The one you killed is probably just a dead friend of some sort. The good thing is that if he or she does come back as a person, then you have the chance to make it up to them for killing them when they were a moth.

Scott

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I need a little dental work done. Any suggestions?

Todd Day

Dear Todd,

Why not just save the money and ruin your face so that it matches your horrible teeth? It’s easy, too. Just drag your face over gravel or mark it up with a knife. Burning is also good, as is acid, although that costs a little more. If you are afraid of pain, just get addicted to crystal meth and you can tweak your way to hideousness in a matter of weeks. The best part is your teeth will just fall right out, eliminating any need for further work.

Scott

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I am on the “new money” side of a prominent Boston street, and I have some blue-blooded “old money” friends of the family coming over for aperitifs and a light luncheon. My problem is that since the renovation of my brownstone, the old servants’ entrance was sealed up, and I simply cannot have the caterers come in through the front door in front of the blue bloods. What to do?

Cordially,
David
Boston, Mass.

Dear David,

You’re going to have to disguise all the caterers as blue bloods. First of all, put them on a diet of champagne, heroin, and toast points immediately so they get the proper pallor. Then dress them all in very fancy clothes. Don’t be afraid of top hats. And, finally, disguise all the food, cutlery, etc., as tiny dogs. When the catering waiters pull off their disguises at the appropriate time, the silly toffs will just think that they teleported in out of nowhere and chow down none the wiser.

Scott

 

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s the perfect formula for deskunking a dumbass jerk of a cat who got out?

Rob H.

Dear Rob H.,

Fill a bathtub with tomato juice. Throw in the smelly cat.  Drown the “dumbass” and then buy a dog.

Scott

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