My boyfriend wants to know how many guys I’ve been with before him. I’m worried that the number might be a little too high. What’s the etiquette on this? Should I tell him the truth, or what he wants to hear?
Your boyfriend asked you how many guys you’ve slept with and then you left the room to write me this letter? Is he still waiting? He probably thinks the number is so huge that you need one of those military mainframe computers from I Dream of Jeannie to figure it out. Talk about bad etiquette!
There’s no way out of this now except to go right back in and ignore him. Pretend you forgot because you were distracted with your coin collection: “Honey, I’m sorry, the 1970 uncirculated Kennedy half dollars have been oxidized. What was your question again? Ah yes. I’ve only slept with three guys.”
I just found out that I’m pregnant and I think it might be a good idea to give up the baby. But now my mom wants to adopt it. If this kid comes into our home, what’s my technical relationship to it? Let’s say it’s a girl—does it count as my daughter or my younger sister? And who’s responsible for buying diapers?
Confused mom-to-be in Berkeley, Calif.
This question had me so bewildered that I was nearly ready for a procrastinatory masturbation session until I read you were from Berkeley. It all makes sense now. Your mom is probably part of some radical underground organization like the Weather Department or Green Post. She probably put you on the pill when you were nine just so she could adopt your child and win brownie points with the growingly suspect neighbors, who constantly object to your Eldridge Cleaver holiday wreath.
If you have any decency you will send this baby to Kansas, where the only time she hears the word Mao is when she’s downing an all-American bison burger with a side of liberty rings.
P.S. I’ve recently been informed that the pill actually stops you from getting pregnant, so… go buy those Huggies for your sister.
I’ve always thought that polyester is kinda sleazy. So why do old people wear it so often? Are they being ironic?
You could not be more wrong(er). Polyester is a secret garment worn by the Old Guard protectors of Gorthrab, King of the Slug Charmers (see: twelfth century). In order to wear this coveted garment, one must go through Seventeen Ladders of Assessment including Chop the Dish Towel, Seek the Elderberry, and Advanced Parallel Parking. Each of these tasks takes years of preparation and can be administered only on a Leap Day. (See Groundhog Day, it’s a great movie.)
I left my family’s Easter celebrations early because I ate too much candy and got sick, but everyone thinks I faked it because I hate them. How can I win back their affection?
Dear Finn P.,
You are fucked. If you “win” back their affection by being nice, then they know you lied. The only option is to get sick every time you meet them. I suggest swallowing some kind of turd. Other things may make you sick but I can’t think of any offhand. In order to make your contention believable, I suggest you make yourself ill at the next fourteen family gatherings. Bon appétit!
I heard that diet drinks cause cellulite. I don’t like using Google so could you just tell me if it’s true or what?
I’m afraid diet drinks don’t cause cellulite, they cause serious red mite infestation. Please remove all loose bedding and burn your property.
I have always been curious as to why there is no better culinary term for “meatball.” Any ideas?
Dear Rob and Sue,
You are so funny. Do you like to go see comedy at the clubs? Me too. I don’t want it to be just a crapshoot, though, and wind up spending twenty-five bucks to see Joe Schmoe from Palookatown. That’s why I’ll pay a little bit extra to see a Dane Cook or a Carlos Mencia when I know I’ll get a real corker of a good night. Do you like Parcheesi? I
sometimes swim in wine.
What’s the difference between jujitsu and tae kwon do? And are you absolutely positive they’re not just made-up words?
Tentative karate enthusiast
Kansas City, Mo.
Jujitsu is a type of Japanese martial art that utilizes various “yielding” moves designed to render an opponent ineffective. Techniques include trapping, throwing, joint locks, holds, disengagements, and kicking. Tae kwon do was a famous serial killer who operated in northern Hokkaido
in the early 1970s and was known to many as “The Little Turnip.”
My wife and I want to experiment with S and M, but we’re unclear on the rules. How do you decide who gets to be the dominant one and who has to wear the handcuffs and have things done to his or her nipples? Should we flip a coin?
Are you sure you’re not my congressman whom I saw at that Eyes Wide Shut party about two years ago? Remember? I believe you spilled cider on my harness and kept bragging to me that you had a split dick and your wife was into space docking. Anyway, I really admire your stand on illegal immigration.