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Sedaratives: Paul Scheer

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN
by Paul Scheer
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Paul Scheer

Paul Scheer
9 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

My boyfriend wants to get another tattoo on his arm, completing what he’s calling a “full sleeve.” I’m a little worried about this. I’ve seen those old navy guys with tattoos so blue they look likebruises. In another thirty years, is my boyfriend going to look like he has leprosy?

Angie P.
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Angie,

If your boyfriend wants to get a full sleeve, I suggest he get a tattoo of an actual shirtsleeve. That way he’ll be fulfilling his need for ink and your need to be with someone presentable in public. For example, not only do I have shirtsleeves tattooed on both of my arms, but I also have cargo pants tattooed on my legs and thighs, so I’m never not dressed. As far as looking like a bruised navy guy, every dude will look like that someday. That’s just a fact.

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I just adopted a pair of adorable pugs, and I’m thinking about naming them after characters from The Magic Flute, Papageno and Papagena. My wife claims this is pretentious and that nobody will getthe reference. Who’s right?

Opera Lover
New York, N.Y.

Dear Opera Lover,

I have bad news for you. Your wife is a robot sent from the future to kill you. Her fatal flaw is not “getting” pretentious pop-culture references. Eliminate her immediately! Save yourself and humanity!

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Lately, my wife has been repeatedly asking me, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” I really don’t know how to answer her. Didn’t Freud say that self-perception is an illusion of the ego? How can I honestly say if she does or doesn’t “look” fat without acknowledging that my perception of the outside world might be just a fantasy of my own brain? I mean, would she ask George Berkeley if she looked fat?

Darren R. Santa Fe,
N.Mex.

Dear Darren,

Let’s face it, you are a chubby-chaser. We all know it and it’s to-tally cool. No need to hide behind big words and obscure references. Embrace your fetish.

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Is there such a thing as love at first sight, or is he just looking at my tits?

Nicole
Petaluma, Calif.

Dear Nicole,

Ugh! How many times do I have to explain this to you?  I wasn’t looking at your tits, I was looking at your really cool retro T-shirt. Your “tits” just got in the way, but also made that image of Fat Albert look 3-D. Hence the staring.

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I want to quit my horrible, soul-sucking job and finally finish writing my novel, but my friends keep telling me it’s a terrible idea because of the recession. Are they just afraid I might be successful and they’ll have to accept that they’re probably trapped forever in their unfulfilling, non-novel-writing jobs?

A frustrated writer
Austin, Tex.

Dear Frustrated Writer,

When it comes to writing, I’ll say this much. If it’s not writ-ten by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino or Sarah Palin, I’m not reading it. And I think most of the country agrees with me. Down with books! Burn! Burn! Burn!

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Is it OK to break up with someone on Twitter? What if I don’t have a Twitter account and I ask a friend to do it for me? What’s the protocol?

Stacie
Orlando, Fla.

Dear Stacie,

As my good friend Kathleen Turner once told me, “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU FREAKY STALKER!” But that’s beside the point. Yes, it is OK to break up over Twitter. If you don’t have a Twitter account, here are some other options for breaking up. Send a mass text to everyone but the dude (or gal) you’re dating. Skywriting always works. It’s public, and so much fun. But I think the absolute best way is a singing telegram. It’s just not possible to be upset when a man in a gorilla costume tells you, “Stacie don’t love you anymore” to the tune of “Eleanor Rigby.”

Paul

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m curious about sushi, but the raw aspect of it kinda freaks me out. What’s the difference between eating raw fish and a big plate of parasites and bacteria?

Fearful Eater
San Diego, Calif.

Dear Fearful Eater,

The difference is you use soy sauce on one and the other you eat plain. Enjoy!

Paul

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