Sedaratives: Liam Lynch - Believer Magazine
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Sedaratives: Liam Lynch

by Liam Lynch
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Liam Lynch

Liam Lynch
11 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m twenty-four and feel like I haven’t made the most of my early twenties. What can I do in my mid-to-late-twenties to make sure I look back on this decade as the best years of my life?

Young But Not That Young

Dear Young But Not That Young:

Don’t worry about it. Just live out the rest of your twenties as boringly as you did in your early twenties. Your answer doesn’t lie in the present, but in the distant future. It’s a fake time-bending perspective you’ll start to gain in your thirties. You see, as you’ll get older, your life will grow more and more boring, thereby making your twenties seem less boring and more exciting. After you turn forty, you’ll look back on your early twenties as the most wild and amazing time of your life. Your memories will mix with your fantasies and dreams. You’ll recall all the facts wrong and your shortcomings will end up as tall tales. So cheer up! Your life is only going to get better and better (as you get older and falsely remember your past).

Liam

 

Dear Sedaratives:

Are you really getting your money’s worth at those all-you-can-eat buffets?

Levi K.

Jacksonville, FL

Dear Levi:

I think to answer this question, you need to do some base readings to determine how much is “all-you-can-eat.” This is, of course, different for everyone based on appetite and stomach capacity. You need to practice this at home first to see how much food you can fit into your body. Also, let’s not just define “eating” as chewing and swallowing. Eating actually means “to put food into a body,” so even after your stomach is completely full, you can still hold food in your mouth and also insert certain foods into your body anally. Hold as much food in you as possible. When you have calculated this amount, and the price of the food you were able to hold inside you, then you will know if the buffet’s price is fair or not.

I think there may also be some sort of legal loophole. You may want to check with the buffet’s lawyers, but I think that “all-you-can-eat” could possibly mean “all-you-can-eat-in-your-lifetime.” All you can eat would be from the first thing eaten at birth to your last dying meal. It could be a flat price that assures you food for the rest of your life, but I can’t be certain of this until I look over the buffet contracts.

Liam

 

Dear Sedaratives:

When I ride my bike, I hate jerk-face vehicles that take up the whole road. When I’m driving, I hate jerk-face bicyclists that get in the way. What to do?

Ethan M.

Louisville, KY

Dear Ethan:

You’re clearly a man who would benefit from hang gliding. I’m sure it would be extremely easy to build a tower in your yard as a starting point for you to glide over all these people that are causing you so much distress. Please refrain from spitting or throwing things on the many “jerk-faces” below you. Something tells me though that you’re going to run into some similar problems with jerk-face electrical lines and jerk-face birds.

Liam

 

Dear Sedaratives:

My husband doesn’t flush the toilet when he poops. Cats can do this, but the thirty-five-year-old man I’m married to can’t. How do I train him?

Caroline Larkin

Aurora, CO

Dear Caroline:

You don’t train him. This is your first mistake. Like with pets, you need to analyze what your husband is trying to communicate to you. Oftentimes if a cat has an upset stomach or is bleeding in its intestines, it will poop in the bathroom sink. This is because it wants you to take notice that it is not feeling well. Cats also use their poop as scent markers to claim an area or territory as their own. Something like planting a flag and claiming the moon in the name of the United States. When a male human leaves his feces for his mate to look at, it’s a clear and simple message: “Look at my awesome poop!”

Liam

 

Dear Sedaratives:

My contact lens is stuck in my eye! It’s been in there for like a month now, and I think it’s started to meld with my retina. What should I do?!

Corey in WV

Dear Corey:

Nothing! Congratulations!! You’re an actual cyborg now! Your eye has accepted your correctional lens as an actual part of your body!! That’s great! Now you don’t have to worry about putting contacts in, and buying saline solutions, and remembering to take them out before you go to bed. You have great vision now that your retina is at one with your correctional lens. You may want to see if you could upgrade in other ways too. Perhaps your body would consume a hearing aid and improve your hearing tenfold! Perhaps you could ingest a slide whistle into your throat to produce humorous sounds that would amuse your friends. You might even want to try to see if your body would meld with a laser pointer inside of your penis.

Liam 

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