I’ve heard that you can legally buy marijuana if you have glaucoma. I’d like to avoid optic nerve damage, as anything on or around my eyes kinda creeps me out. Are there non-eyeball diseases that would allow me to smoke government-sanctioned weed?
You’ve asked a very intriguing question. Right now, in the great state of California, there are many ailments that doctors will treat with weed: back pain, anxiety, that time of the month, etc., etc. Some lesser-known ailments include: being bitten by a fruit bat (let’s face it, if you’ve been bitten by a poodle-size bat, you need to get high fast so you can laugh about it), being dead (8 percent of marijuana users are zombies, thus explaining their slow walk and lack of jobs), and being haunted by a ghost (if you walk into a doctor’s office and yell, “The ghosts won’t get out of my head!” what serious professional won’t hook you up with some ganja immediately?).
I’ve heard so much recently about an impending global grain shortage. Should I be hoarding bread?
It’s shocking to me that you haven’t already been hoarding bread. I’m going to assume you’re Amish and don’t have access to any kind of useful information whatsoever. I started hoarding bread back in ‘79 and now have approximately 34 tons of fermented bread in U-Store-Its across the country. I’ve got Wonder Bread with Justice League of America trading cards in it, and frozen Lenders Bagels from ‘82. Recently I was arrested for operating a still because apparently the guards at the storage facilities were getting drunk off of my old bread. But that’s a problem I can live with, while you starve to death up there in Washington State.
According to the old adage: “Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” But what if you prefer popping bennies? Where’s the snappy, helpful rhyme for those of us who like our bliss in pill form?
It’s tough to be from the northwest because popular culture and medicine takes decades to get to you folks. Having said that, we easterners and southwesterners thank you for your gold and potatoes. The saying is “Bennies before dilaudid, never clouded; huffing white-out before injecting CAT into your dick, you might get a smidge sick.” Another popular one in my neck of the woods is “Grain alcohol before a glass of liquid acid, always placid; pulling a 300-dude train while high on angel dust before cliff diving on meth will lead to televised death.” A good way to remember these is to put them to a popular song melody. I use Rage Against the Machine’s cover of Maggie’s Farm. Hope I was able to help! And when you guys get phone lines out there in Oregon, give us a call and let us know how it worked!
I’m not a virgin, but every time I have sex with a woman, I tell them “this is my first time.” It gives them a sense of accomplishment, and my below-average skills in the bedroom suddenly seem really impressive. Am I being immoral, or just making lemonade out of lemons?
Not a Virgin But Willing to Learn
Ann Arbor, MI
Dear Not a Virgin,
Lies and fantasy are the nectar of good love-making. What you’re doing is adding spice to both your lives and spice is never bad, unless it’s condensed into a highly concentrated form and put into a spray can and sprayed at a person’s eyes. I myself will sometimes tell a lover I was raised in the Koresh compound and was taught that sex with more than one girl is wrong and I will burst into flame if it happens and that’s why girls won’t do it. After she brings her crying friend into the room to join us, the fun begins. So if it makes you feel good, it can’t be wrong. Which is why I’m addicted to cooking sherry, glory hole sex and blackjack.
I really want my vote to count in the upcoming election, but I’m confused. Would you help me make sense of the Democratic and Republican candidates? I just need something short and snappy and easy to understand so I can go get drunk with my buds and stop worrying about the world.
Chad (please no “hanging” jokes please)
Dear Hanging Chad,
Politics are tough. That’s why I will ask my teenage daughter who she thinks is cuter. This year she said Zach from Zach and Cody, so he’s getting my vote. I love democracy!