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Sedaratives: Lena Dunham

by Lena Dunham
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham
16 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

I drink a lot of seltzer water. Does it count just like regular water in my diet-mandated eight glasses of water a day? I guess what I’m asking is: is seltzer real water or fake water?

Bethany
Boulder, Colo.

Dear Bethany,

Totally it’s water! I did read that carbonation leaches calcium from your bones, and I know it bloats you, so whenever I make a series of furious health vows, I quit it. But regular water is so boring—unless you are cultivating an interest in general wellness and being really showy about it by carrying around a big smartwater bottle.

Lena

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My son has four soft blocks, each with numbers and trains on it. The “one” block jingles, the “two” block crinkles, the “three” block squeaks, but the “four” block talks and counts to the number four. With such a low-tech toy, why must the company resort at the last minute to cheap electronic gimmicks?

Larry Kreiger
Cupertino, Calif.

Dear Larry,

That sounds so awful! Can I ask you a question? The moment you had kids, did you start to feel like your life had a purpose and it was to serve these little angels, or do you still mourn a time when the only offensive sound you heard was whatever Nickelback song you were currently and privately obsessed with? I gotta know, because I plan to have kids before I’m fifty, and I’m anxious I won’t get with the program.

Would your son be upset if you just destroyed the block or “lost it” in the night? The person running that toy company probably never thinks before they act.

Lena

 

Dear Sedaratives,

What gets glitter out of cashmere?

Kelly Nixon
Reading, Pa.

Dear Kelly,

I’m genuinely concerned for your sweater and don’t wanna just be cheeky, so I’d say dry-clean. On another note, what party were you at? Is there another one soon? I hope it was all four-year-olds, and I hope you’ll bring me next time.

Ya gurl,

Lena

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Duly noted; I will not heat a Snickers bar again. The nougat will take a layer of skin off the roof of your mouth. For precaution’s sake, can you inform me of some other foods that should not be heated prior to being eaten? Thank you.

A. W.

Dear A. W.,

This is a great question, and I have a great answer because I have never met a food I wanted to heat up. Some stuff I enjoy cold is: deli turkey (preferably organic, preferably eaten on a street-corner while waiting for the light to change), presliced fruit, chewable vitamins. Fact: You don’t need to heat a pack of franks. They’re cooked already, dude. Also, do you like tapioca? It will do the opposite of hurt your mouth. If you want things you don’t need to refrigerate either, then you’re a whole other kind of beastly, but I’ve been there. Try Glenny’s Soy Crisps or something yogurt covered, like a pretzel or nut.

Lena

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I find that I don’t use the letter q a whole lot. Is there something wrong with my vocabulary?

Lance L.

Dear Lance,

I have a friend named Lance and recently saw a great masseuse named Lance, but I still can’t get over my weird, complicated feelings about the name Lance. There’s nothing wrong with your vocabulary, Lance, but your name… It’s so “slick,” as my grandma would say. I don’t believe you have tender feelings. You’re just a caddish high-school athlete who can feign emotion only if it means you’ll get sex, right?

Be well!

Lena

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I really like lesbians (as a people, not as a sexual preference). I find that they are jovial and caring. But they also aren’t really fond of me. Is there a way I can make myself more accessible to lesbians so that I can have more in my social circle?

“Kurt” Richter
Mesa, Ariz.

Dear “Kurt,”

This is the only question in this batch that I feel truly qualified to answer. I know a lot of lesbians and am even related to one, and I’ve also been told that my butt has a sort of lesbian quality that the rest of me doesn’t have. (Is that offensive? I’m treading carefully because, unlike you, lesbians like me a lot and I want to keep it that way.) I think in general it’s good to seek people out based on their individual merits, and not to try to fill a lesbian quota. Life isn’t Reading Rainbow—we don’t get one of each kind of minority friend, and we can’t reduce lesbians to qualities like “jovial” or “caring” or “square-butted.” Lesbians are a hugely diverse populace, and to define them by useless stereotypes isn’t offensive just to them, it’s offensive to us all. By boxing people in with unifying characteristics based on their romantic preferences, you are a soldier of the hegemonic norm, and you’re violently sexualizing their love and their life. However, if you really want a lesbian to like you, I would arrive at her door with Indigo Girls tickets, a Home Depot gift certificate, and a box of gluten-free cake mix. Also, some Tevas and a tank top with thick straps so y’all can go hiking comfortably. I don’t know where you’d find her in Arizona, so head to San Fran or whatever town Smith College is in.

Let’s move in together after one date,

“Lena”

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My mother-in-law just returned from Germany. It was her first international experience. She did not care for it. She found the people rude, and they made her feel like she was stupid. Is there a tactful way to tell her that it was not the intention of the Germans to make her feel stupid?

Christopher H.
Archer, Iowa

Dear Christopher,

This is a hard one for me, because I just recently came back from Germany myself and I kinda did think that they were trying to make me feel stupid.

Agree to disagree,

Lena 

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