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Sedaratives: Laraine Newman

by Laraine Newman
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Laraine Newman

Laraine Newman
11 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives:

This is incredibly embarrassing, but I don’t know who else to ask. For some reason, my genitals smell like onions. I have excellent hygiene, and I’ve tried scrubbing down there repeatedly, to no avail. Obviously, I don’t get a lot of oral sex because there aren’t many ladies who enjoy a male member that stinks of onions. What should I do?!

Anonymous

Tallahassee, FL

Dear Anonymous:

As you’ve chosen not to reveal anything about yourself, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re Italian or of some other Mediterranean lineage. Its been proven that cultural preferences can permeate everything. Everything. Furthermore, I would venture to say that you come from a lower socio-economic background. Am I right? Scary, huh? You see, your problem isn’t that unusual, but because you live in a place like Tallahassee, where the population is predominantly white, Anglo-Saxon and Baptist, perhaps you’ve encountered genitals that smelled like buttermilk biscuits, or fatback. This can be an innocuous scent to those who are used to more pungent aromas and would go unnoticed by someone like you. Therefore, you would surmise that yours are the only genitals with any kind of odor.

Now, let me address the socio economic part of the equation. Have you ever heard the expression “A leek is a poor man’s asparagus”? Indeed there are different levels of aromatic allium that are associated with class. For instance, I come from an upper middle class background, so my genitals smell like shallots; so often used in French cuisine. If one were middle class, a scallion might represent their junk odor. Anonymous, you simply come from a long line of onion eaters and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Find yourself a nice Italian or Greek girl. For her, your business will smell like home.

Laraine

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I keep the Velvet Underground on my IPod. I don’t listen to it, it’s just there in case someone goes snooping around in my music, so that I look cool. What other music should I load in there to seem cool?

Jeff Campbell

Bushkill, PA

Dear Jeff:

You can’t please everyone. To try and second guess the snoopers is a nonstarter because it’s such a broad spectrum. What if “someone” were, oh, say, your mom, since you’re so clearly an adolescent. I know, I know, who cares if you mom thinks you’re cool, right? Well, its just good politics to endear yourself to Ms. Dinner McCreditcard, bro. Now, your mom’s criteria might be retro, but not just any retro. It has to be her retro. What if, for her, that’s The Captain and Tennille? Then you’re faced with the possibility that one of your buds is snooping, looking for something he thinks is cool, like maybe Pretty Lights, but then he comes across “Muskrat Love”. How are you going to explain that? And what if a miracle happens and a girl is snooping in your room? She’s only going to think a band like Kaskade is cool. But if you have him on your iPod and one of your other buds sees that, he’s going to think you’re gay. To quote Shakespeare “What a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive.”

Jeff, the fact that you’re that studied in your attempt to be cool in absentia is just sad. Also Jeff, here’s another Shakespeare quote: “To thine own self be true.” Put your own tunes on there, for heaven’s sake! It just better not be anything by Train, because that IS gay. 

Your pal,

Laraine

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I am terrified of buttons. This is, in fact, a common phobia called “Koumpounophobia”, so I am not a freak. But I would like to be able to undress my boyfriend and wear cute cardigans. What should I do?

Janet Bayne

Sonoma, CA

Dear Janet:

I hate to say this, but there was a time when I felt that obscure phobias were a tactic lonely people devised to call undue attention to themselves. However, it turns out my Aunt Lovey had the exact same phobia. Here are some things she tried that may work for you:

1) Gloves (with some, its a texture thing)

2) Aunt Lovey took a page from Perseus’ playbook when approaching Medusa. Direct visual contact with buttons was traumatic for her, so with my help and the help of our neighbor’s son who is in his third year at MIT, we fashioned the “Koumpounonator”: A padded harness that fit easily on both shoulders with rear and side view mirrors attached. I BeDazzled it for a nice fashion touch.

3) In my brilliant career as a performer, I’ve often enjoyed the luxury of having others dress me. For Aunt Lovey’s 78th Birthday, I sprang for her own personal wardrobe assistant when she wanted to have an assignation with her boyfriend. Even though Aunt Lovey couldn’t personally undress Irving, Sheila (a very nice “up and comer” in the design world) removed Irving’s Brooks Brothers Shirt to the tune of Bolero. Ring-a-ding-ding! Afterwards, I felt I owed Sheila “a little something extra” since she reported to me that Irving’s genitals smelled like herring.

Laraine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Sometimes I find myself ever so slightly turned on by the juniper tree in my backyard. I am worried about how this might develop. What can you suggest to nip this in the bud (no pun intended)?

Lucille Klasko
Lansing, Mich.

Dear Lucille,

You’re wise to be circumspect when it comes to a juniper. They’re notorious players. My friend Andrea was involved with a redwood (for obvious reasons) that was the strong and silent type. Reliable. Unfortunately for Andrea, reliable meant boring. The redwood was sharing a space with a juniper, and she couldn’t take her eyes off of it. The juniper knew exactly what it was doing, and before long Andrea found herself seduced and abandoned. But not before the juniper had really messed with her head. Andrea had always been sensitive about her weight, and once the juniper had her where it wanted her, Andrea told me how it dropped subtle hints about how fetching the willow sapling next door was. I mean, who can compete with that, right? What a dick.

I have boundless admiration for you. It’s hard enough to resist the attraction. But to seek to arrest it when you’ve already felt stirrings “down there” is a monumental act of will. The proximity of your juniper makes it especially challenging. Honestly, Lucille, it’s an inside job. Just know that you’re playing with fire… fire.… hmmmm.

Love,
Laraine

 

Dear Sedaratives:

If I were a zebra I think I’d be kind of irked at my so-called camouflage. Don’t you think nature could’ve done a little better?

Lynn K.S.

Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Lynn:

I have to agree. However, there are a butt-load of things that are ahead of the line when it comes to Nature’s errors. There are animals with excellent camouflage that really don’t deserve it. Like human evil. Look at how handsome Richard Ramirez and Ted Bundy were. Also, cats. Cats are so pretty, but we all know how worthless they are.

Laraine

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