I’m a shy guy who doesn’t exude confidence, and I’m always awkward when it comes to going out with a girl for the first time. What advice do you have for us ordinary dudes so that the first date leads to a potentially long-term relationship?
Rochester, N. Y.
Funnily enough, I have found myself in this exact situation many times. You see, once the old haunches started to turn slack, I wasn’t pullin’ in the same numero uno dinero on the streets I once did. It’s hard to draw interest once the cellar goes musty, so I turned my energy towards recruitment. Now, the No. 1 tool you should rely on when sucking in young meat is deception. You have to convince a saucy little meal ticket that you’re offering something she wants. After reading your pathetic letter, I see you clearly have nothing she wants. So you must fool her into believing that you do. Next, you need to seem protective. She has to know she can run to you when she feels threatened, which brings us to No. 3—you need to make her feel threatened. If you don’t, she has no reason to run to you. Almost all long-term relationships start with a little slappin’ around. I’m not saying you should break the skin, or even leave a bruise. Just give her somethin’ to think about.
I have struggled with the crack—my pet name for meth. Snort it, smoke it… mostly smoke it. I end up in bathhouses while my boyfriend sits home and worries. How do I stop? I don’t want to lose my boyfriend or my job. I don’t care about the job actually, but I do want to keep the boyfriend. Help!
Is it breakfast time? Do you hear that sizzle? I knew I smelled bacon. Nice try, copper, but you’re one little piggie that can go wee-wee-wee all the way home. I think what we have here is called entrapment. Look it up if you don’t know what it means. I would look it up myself, but I don’t know how to read. The point is this, Gus. As far as you know or I’m willing to admit in a court of law, I don’t know anything about drugs. I certainly wouldn’t know that crack is a stupid pet name for meth. Here’s something else I don’t know: you could have picked a better pet name for meth. You could have picked crank or crystal or ice or batu or chalk, shabu, albino poo, white crunch, biznack, critty, gackle-a fackle-a, or skeech, I guess. Anyone who picks crack for meth is either stupid or a cop. So which is it, Gus?
Do you have any suggestions on how I can spice up a boring old Brazilian wax? If you were to get your “hedge” trimmed, what kind of shapes do you think would be the most titillating to your partner?
My days of trimmin’ the hedge are long gone. Due to an infection or abuse, it’s gone all Kojak down south. I’m like an eel.The old haver has taken a lot of punishment, that’s no secret. I used to do a flaming shish kebab show in Saigon. If I were you, I’d shape your funky foliage into the likeness of Harriet Tubman, the former slave who spent her life liberating others.
My nine-month-old pug dog named Fang has recently taken a liking to eating his own poop. When I get the chance to actually spend an entire day with him, I feel like he teaches me a thing or two. My question is, should I try eating his poop?
Guitarist for the Decemberists
First of all, knowing that you’re a musician makes me as moist as a snack cake down there. I’ve run with a number of guitarists in my day, livin’ out of van, goin’ from gig to gig, eating fast food, no place to shower, the smell was ridiculous. I sure miss those days. If you’re looking for some companionship on the road—and by companionship I mean someone to jerk you off in an alley—then give me a call. I’m as free as a turd. Speaking of which, as for your question about eating poo, I’d say give it a shot. It’s gotta be better than Chinese take-out, and how much of that have you eaten?
Lately my wife has been withdrawn and pretty bummed out. When I ask her what’s wrong, she says “for no particular reason.” Is she mad at me?
New York, N.Y.
I don’t know if your wife is mad at you, but I sure as hell am. Your letter makes me wonder who wears the bra and panties in this relationship. By the way, Eric, what’s it like to wear a bra and panties? Your wife is “withdrawn and bum- med out” because you sound like a pussy. Take charge in your relationship. Be a pimp. If you want her to respect you, show her the front side of your backhand. Let her know that guy in the panties is the man of the house.