×
header-image

Sedaratives: Jermaine Clement

by Jermaine Clement
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Jermaine Clement

Jermaine Clement
19 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

I think pink is a sickening color. Pepto-Bismol is pink, as are most of our innards. So why do we assign this color to girls? Isn’t that subconsciously antifeminist?

Ricardo M.
Calabasas, Calif.

Dear Ricardo M.,

Your question opens up a series of issues, some to do with our society (socio-anthropological), some to do with our brains and bodies (neurobiological), and some just your own crazy personal shit that you need to have a good think about (psycho-individu-fecal). What I’ve observed from having known actual girls is that in general they have a natural predilection for the color pink. Even a pre-socialized girl (or pre-socio-juvegyne) raised without gender expectations (or gendo-expectagons) will at some stage exclusively choose the pink outfit, cake, MP3 player, or plastic dwelling to shelter her tiny plastic adult human female replica (who is also dressed in pink, drives a pink car, and computes using a pink laptop.) Rigorous clinical googling has revealed that women’s eyes are more attuned to the red/pink/lilac end of the spectrum, possibly because prehistoric human females (Neanderfemales and Lady Erectus) needed to gather berries and fruit (or pre-chocolithic groceries) for their smoothies.

I, however, don’t agree that pink is inherently sickening. Some really pleasant things are pink, such as roses, sunsets, marshmallows, and vaginas. So what is your problem with vaginas, Ricardo?

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

The debt ceiling has me concerned. Is this something that I, as a concerned citizen and a good American, can help out with? You know, like recycling.

Joe P.
Tempe, Ariz.

Dear Joe P.,

Don’t worry about the debt ceiling—it’s the debt you should worry about! You guys are really in debt, man! How did you guys get into so much debt? I thought you were rich! What the hell have you been buying? It wasn’t health care! You have more debt than when you were going to the moon! Did you blow it all on aircraft carriers or something? Did you spend it all on designer suits in the ’80s? Did you all get one each? I hope you’re not spending it on drugs! America, look me in the eye and tell me you’re not doing drugs.
Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to help with the national debt:
(1) Make sure you are paying tax in the correct bracket for your earnings.
(2)Buy locally made items. Keeping money in the country is a great help to the economy in general.
(3)Lobby your local politicians to make sure your money is being spent responsibly.
(4) Give the government 20 billion dollars.

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I have six parakeets. Is that too many parakeets? My wife seems to think so, but I think six is the right number.

Drew R.
Acres Green, Colo.

Dear Drew R.,

My mum has two, and they are so noisy. The right number is about zero. Or by “parakeets,” do you mean “wives”?

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My used car isn’t a lemon. I haven’t heard of anyone buying a lemon in years. Are there still lemons out there?

Sal P.
Berwyn, Ill.

Dear Sal P.,

I don’t know much about cars, but a lemon is a kind of fruit.

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve been told that ladybugs are good luck. I’d like to foster a colony. Any suggestions?

Parker R.
Valdosta, Ga.

Dear Parker R.,

It’s good luck only for ladybugs to physically land on you. Do you really want a whole colony of ladybugs on you? It’s also bad luck to kill a ladybug, so it is a risk that must be calculated. What if you end up accidentally killing a greater number than the number that land on you? That would result in a net luck deficit. However, the biggest obstacle to starting a ladybug colony is sourcing an eligible gentlemanbug.

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I like to think of things in a positive way, but it’s getting more difficult. Toddler pageants used to be a joyous event, and now TV has cheapened them. Is there is a way to get my positivity back?

Niels Stensen
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Niels,

You have every reason to be positive. You have a firm command of grammar, you’re good-looking, and you’re only a toddler.

Jemaine

 

Dear Sedaratives,

When do we ditch the maxi dress again? The ’80s successfully squashed it after the ’70s. Do we need to bring back Dynasty and the power suit to rid ourselves of it once and for all?

Suzanne K.
Pensacola, Fla.

Dear Suzanne K.,

From your question, I’ve been imagining you have great legs. But you don’t understand: really imagining them. Like, for hours. Now I’m late for my Sedaratives deadline. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, fashion. At present, a full fashion cycle is about thirty-five years (i.e., a total vogue-orbit with fad resurgences every five, twelve, fourteen, twenty-one, and twenty-seven years after its initial hotness peak). Of course, we must allow for variables such as “mode leaders” or “nerdy dork-lords” causing a particular fashion to prematurely trend or de-trend. By my calculations, the maxi dress will return in May 2017, and it will be going out of fashion eight and a half hours after you’ve finished reading this sentence. At 4:30 p.m. tomorrow it will be all about double-breasted ninja suits.

Jemaine

More Reads
Columns

Stuff I’ve Been Reading: October/November 2019

Nick Hornby
Columns

Jean Grae Speaks to Your Concerns

Jean Grae
Columns

Adam Conover Speaks to Your Concerns

Adam Conover
more