I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he’s out of my league. How do they know that? Isn’t beauty subjective?
Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness
Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I’m very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son’s lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He’s thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What’s with the Olympic torch? It’s silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You’ll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, watery-eyed, drooling boob such as yourself. Hope that helps.
What’s the proper way to refrigerate venison? I’ve tried storing the carcass in my basement freezer, but it always ends up with a gamey taste. What am I doing wrong?
Too Much Deer Meat
Suttons Bay, Mich.
Your acronym-name is slightly better. Kinda sounds like a noise Bobby McFerrin would make. What happened to Bobby McFerrin? He’s probably in Florida, huh? Guns are good in the right hands—nobody’s. What’s on Larry King’s mind these days? Anything facile and trite? When will RATT reunite? Where? I want the exact time and address because I don’t want to be within fifty miles of that ground zero. Fewer carbs, more proteins is yesterday’s news. Have you ever asked someone you don’t know how to refrigerate venison? Don’t. It’s a waste of time. As to your question: Don’t. Eat venison raw, as soon as you have it, right on the spot. To get the gamey taste out of your basement freezer, use handi-wipes and gasoline.
My next-door neighbor has several enormous stacks of old newspapers littering his front yard and a huge pile of discarded magazines spilling out of his trash can. How can I persuade him to actually recycle these old papers and not just stuff them in the trash?
Now that’s an acronym-name I can get behind! Very clever of you to write to me about your “neighbor.” Ha ha. What, did you think you would publicly humiliate me? Ain’t gonna happen, dearie. For your little trick, here’s what you get: I’m going to start throwing my diapers in the yard, too. After I poo in them, not before.
I recently moved to Chicago, a boring, useless heap of a city. I have three years of school left here. How do you suggest I pass my time without going utterly insane, and perhaps have fun every once in a while?
There, I gave you an acronym-ish name. Try it on, see if it “works.” Have you ever been to a Cubs game? Try the deep-dish. Do you like white people playing the blues? How about white people listening to the blues? If “yes,” you’re all set. If “no,” you gotta go. I lived in Chicago and had some good times there. I also felt alienated by the “Da Bears” mentality. Sorry to bring up that Saturday Night Live sketch I helped write. Who invented the phrase my bad? That was “their bad” for sure.
I’m a Jew who doesn’t agree with the politics in Israel. When I explain this to my Jewish friends, they say I’m a self-hating Jew and anti-Semitic. But isn’t that as absurd as calling somebody unpatriotic for not blindly supporting the Bush administration?
A Jew without a Country
Dear Jew-ish Person,
What do you think about a professional indoor baseball league? You hit the ball over a certain mark on the wall and get a home run. We could call it the I.B.L. and play all winter. Sound good? I thought of it first, right here. Also, put cheese on your apple pie, you’ll thank me. Maybe. Then again, don’t. I believe the Jews need a homeland, and it is a struggle to establish one in the modern world. It’s always been a struggle to establish one. Someone always gets shafted. Do you consider yourself an American? Did anyone get screwed when this country was established? What’s that? An entire nation of peoples was wiped out? That sounds pretty bad. Oh well, who won American Idol? I’ll tell you who: everyone who watched.