What’s the difference between clinical depression and just being a Mr. Grumpy-Pants? I feel like I could be either.
Dear Alan, a.k.a. Mr. Grumpy-Pants,
Sometimes I feel like I could be a professional exterminator or just an Old Mrs. Kills-Bugs-A-Lot. I mean, I seriously kill so many bugs that I should be getting paid for it. Am I right? Don’t kill yourself. I love you. Bye.
I like the smell of books. And I love the smell of this magazine. In fact, if my letter gets published, I’ll probably be smelling your answer. Does that make you uncomfortable?Richardson
San Francisco, Calif.
Dear M. Richardson,
Yes. Actually, not really. I like it. I wish you could smell how much I like it. If you could, you’d probably die from an overload of intense smells blasting up your nostrils like angry ghost demons. Does that make you uncomfortable… Mark? That’s right. I am watching you.
Am I crazy, or are mullets coming back? That Skrillex kid has one. Most of the girls I see at clubs have them. What’s going on? Are they trying to be “funny” or something?
I’ll tell you who tried to be funny. Your mother. When she popped you out of her vagina. She was trying to be real funny by putting you on this godforsaken planet. She should’ve been paid more than Jerry Seinfeld the day she squeezed you into this galaxy. There should be a ten-hour Saturday Night Live special on NBC every year on your fucking birthday, just showing clips of your mother hilariously giving birth to you!
Anonymous (your mother)
Is being really good at cursive writing still something to be proud of? Because you should see my capital L’s, man. Like poetry!
I am so fucking hungry right now. And I woke up with several bites on my feet and hands this morning. What does this mean? I can’t tell if they’re bites or if it’s some kind of a rash. It should also be noted that I just traveled back from Romania. I got in last night. So maybe that has something to do with it? Either way, you seem cool. I mean, I can’t tell if you’re, like, eight years old or eighty years old. But I’d like you to come over and tell me if these are bites or a rash. It’ll drive me bananas if I don’t find out soon. Man, I am starving!
I get terrible eczema on my chin every time I eat strawberries. One fistful and it seriously looks like I’ve grown a red goatee. I don’t want to give up the antioxidants in strawberries. And also I find them to be the most sensual of the berries. I’m convinced that strawberries are the scaffolding of my forty-three-year-old libido. Any advice for having my cake and, you know…?
Dear Dan the Man,
Red goatees are dope. Eat that shit and rock it out. Rub ’em all over, dude. Go fuckin’ crazy. I’d do it. And I’m not even forty-three. And I don’t give a flunk about cake. Holla back.
Can a white person have dreads without being a tool?
Ann Arbor, Mich.
I don’t know. Probably. Here’s a better question: can a tool have dreads without being a white person? Either way, this feels racist, so I refuse to answer.
I didn’t become a drummer for the money or the fame. I did it for the sex. But I haven’t gotten laid because of my drumming in at least two years. Am I doing it wrong? Why is this not working anymore?
How many people did you have sex with when you were drumming? HOW MANY? I DEMAND TO KNOW. I DEMAND IT. I am NOT interested in the time during your life when you WEREN’T having sex. That is boring to me and I don’t want to hear about it! I am too tired! And too old! I’m sorry but I will need to KNOW THE NUMBERRRRR!
Will you propose to my girlfriend for me? Her name’s Susan. She always reads this column. Tell her Geoff loves her and wants to marry her, but make it sound classy. Thanks!
I will try my best. Here goes…
YO SUE! FUCKIN MARRY ME ALREAD—
Psych! Here’s the real one:
If you are reading this then you should know that there is a man on this planet who knows you better than anyone else. His name is Geoff. He loves you and wants to marry you. I think you should. First of all, his name is Geoff. That is a cool name. It doesn’t look like how it sounds. Which is interesting and not boring. Just like Geoff. Secondly, he lives in Seattle. I was lucky enough to work there once for a couple months and it’s such an awesome city. It’s beautiful and the food is great. It’s so awesome that I actually plan on naming my first dog Seattle because I loved it that much. I hope to get this dog soon. Anyways, I have a good feeling about Geoff. He seems like a classy dude. Will you marry him? Also, is he a doctor, by any chance? I woke up this morning with some kind of bites or a rash. It’s freaking me out.
Was that OK? I hope she says yes. I’m really bad at this. Name your kid after me. It can be a boy’s or a girl’s name. It means “ruler of the elves.” Seriously.