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Sedaratives: Anne Beatts

by Anne Beatts
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Anne Beatts

Anne Beatts
12 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m getting married in a few months, and apparently I’m supposed to register for things. Any suggestions?

P. Kuhren
Long Beach, Calif.

Dear P.:

Since it’s impossible to tell by your initial whether you are a man or a woman, I find it difficult to advise you. If, dear P., you are a man, then you can relax, because your fiancée will have this covered and you need not do anything, unless, of course, you’re a man marrying a man, in which case you need to rethink your sexual orientation pronto, because a genuine gay man would know this stuff already. If you are a woman and were somehow absent the day they gave out the genes for choosing a china pattern, you should ask your gay friends to help. 

Anne

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m uninspired, flabby, and alone. How can I jazz up my pathetic existence?

Contemplator of bloated navel
Ottumwa, Iowa

Dear Contemplator:

First, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Second, cut out all carbs. Third, get out of Ottumwa, Iowa. 

Anne

 

Dear Sedaratives:

I’m interested in finding a new job in this shitty economy. Can you advise me which field to look for work in? I am good at nothing.

Kevin Albert
Oshkosh, Wis.

Dear Kevin:

I would advise you to go into accounting or health care, two sectors that are growing even as the economy is shrinking. Based on the current condition of both our healthcare and financial systems, you should be fully qualified to succeed in either field. Failing that, you could always become a special advisor to the president.

Anne

 

Dear Sedaratives:

How do women wear thongs? They irritate my buttcrack and I wind up spending all day trying to pick a wedgie to no avail. I’m starting to think that panty lines are sexy again.

Abby J.
Sandy, Utah

Dear Abby:

Used to be, no one’s underwear was supposed to show. Then—Madonna. Now bra straps wave freely in the wind, even on bank tellers. So why not visible panty lines? However, if you really want to avoid VPL, you could follow the lead of proto-­feminist Germaine Greer and stop wearing underwear altogether. Just avoid being photographed getting out of a limo.

Anne

 

Dear Sedaratives:

What are your tips for living a greener lifestyle?

B. Regan
Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear B.:

First, get rid of your car and walk or bicycle everywhere. Second, stop drinking bottled water. Third, raise all your own foodstuffs to reduce the “carbon tax” you pay for having anything shipped to one place from someplace else. Of course, this will necessitate moving away from L.A., but that should be a small price to pay for living green.

You’re sincere about this, aren’t you? Or do you just want to save the planet as long as it doesn’t inconvenience you?

Anne 

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