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Sedaratives: Andy Borowitz

A monthly advice column
by Andy Borowitz
Illustration by Tony Millionaire

Sedaratives: Andy Borowitz

Andy Borowitz
16 Snaps

Dear Sedaratives,

I shave my head but I’m not bald. Nobody seems to believe me. When did a shaved head become the new comb-over?

Alex Sullivan
Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Dear Alex,

You raise an interesting historical question: when did a shaved head become the new comb-over? Certainly not in 1979, when Persis Khambatta played the shiny-pated Lieutenant Ilia in the first Star Trek movie and ignited no speculation about the plentitude of her follicles. Nor was it in the ’80s and ’90s, which spawned such high-profile cue balls as Sinead O’Connor and Vin Diesel. I think you have to jump all the way to the early part of this century for your answer: the suspicious midlife deforestation of Hollywood moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I had an abortion last year and made the mistake of telling my mother. She told me that if Mary had had an abortion, there never would’ve been a Jesus. I thought about it later and realized she’s right. Long story short, my libido is gone. Any tips on how I can enjoy sex again?

Lindsay S
Denver, Colo.

Dear Lindsay,

Generally speaking, it’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about Jesus, Mary, and your mother. I mean, I’m sure your mother is sexy in her own way, but you shouldn’t be thinking about her if you’re trying to come anytime soon. It sounds like you need a surefire turn-on to get back in the game. Have you ever done a guy with a shaved head? Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hook you up.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

I do all of my reading on the toilet, and because I prefer big, beefy novels, I guess I spend more time on the pot than some might consider healthy. As a result of my excessive bathroom visits, I’ve developed anal fissures. My wife thinks this is a bad thing, but as I’ve repeatedly reminded her, I’ll gladly endure a little rectal burning if it means finally finishing Remembrance of Things Past. What do you think?

Brad Gregerson
Greensboro, N.C.

Dear Brad,

I sincerely hope that Lindsay S. of Denver, CO did not read your letter. She’s having enough trouble with her sex drive already without your planting these horrid images in her mind.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My teacher says that the human body is 65 percent water. I don’t think I believe him. If that’s true, than why can’t we breathe under water? If we’re half water, why does water kill us?

Scott, age 8
San Antonio, TX

Dear Scott,

You can’t breathe under water? Consult your physician immediately. You may be made of sand.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

My doctor says I have hippocampal sclerosis, but I don’t know. It sounds like a fake disease. Is it for real?

Jennifer Bowden
Jackson, MI

Dear Jennifer,

According to Wikipedia, hippocampal sclerosis is a disease whose symptoms include “segmental loss of pyramidal neurons, granule cell dispersion and reactive gliosis.” But I wouldn’t be concerned if I were you – like most things on Wikipedia, it’s probably all made up.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Do you remember Classics Comics Illustrated? Why did they stop making them? Because of CCI, I can hold my head up high and say I’ve read The Iliad and Les Miserables. But what about modern classics like… well, I don’t know. Without Classic Comics, I’m lost.

Eric Johnson,
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Eric,

The demise of Classic Comics Illustrated was indeed a negative development, and not just for posers like you. Since CCI stopped publishing, the incidence of anal fissures in the U.S. has shot up three hundred percent.

Andy

 

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s another word for “gyneolatry”? I looked it up in the thesaurus and couldn’t find something that really captures the essence of it.

Tongue-tied in San Diego

Dear Tongue-tied,

Insnatchuation.

Andy

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