How does one make a Spanish tortilla? I keep trying, and somehow end up with scrambled eggs and home fries. Help!

Rick

Dear Rick,

If you focus on your destination, then the journey will betray you. Many a traveler has set off for El Dorado and wound up at a discount hotel. Do not start with ground corn, water and spices. Depart them, wordlessly, and make the tortilla seek you out. There will break a dawn when you will find yourself on a street in Venice. A radio will play a song you’d forgotten you’d remembered. Turn around twice. Embrace your fear. That’s when the tortilla will hand you an umbrella.

Patton

Dear Sedaratives,

I have a really nice ass, but I don’t have a boyfriend. How can I get someone to love me?

Hope
Denver, CO

Dear Hope,

’Cause it’s 2009. Two thousand and nine is the year of the killer rack. Two thousand and eight was the year of the really nice ass. Wait till it cycles around again in 2015.

Patton